The quote in the image below describes so well the intense sorrow of losing someone you deeply love. The grieving never really stops.
This post may contain affiliate links. Please see full disclosure for details.
Even today, almost three years later, I am very happy and in-love again but there’s this other side of me, deep in my heart, that still weeps.
It’s not as intense as in the first year but nevertheless, it’s still there.
In those first few months, every second of the day my whole being cried for Brad. I would cry so hard and was so angry at God that I would hurt myself from gripping the bed, my skin and anything that my hands came into contact with. I felt so lost without Brad, my heart was crushed and there were times I thought of ending my life.
My mind could not grasp reality that the love of my life was gone.
I begged and pleaded with God to bring him back, my whole being was screaming out. Thoughts came to my mind of ending everything that I became afraid of where I was headed. I felt like I was in a dark pit so deep that I couldn’t get out.
Knowing I needed help, I called a counselor from the organization that provided Brad’s hospice care and made an appointment. When I got there, the counselor basically told me I just had to ride the waves of grief and time will help. I didn’t feel I had time and I became desperate.
Joining Widow groups on Facebook didn’t help, they scared me even more. There were a lot of women who had been widows for more than 10 years and they were still trapped in the pit of depression. I know everyone grieves differently but I didn’t want to live like that!
About a month after Brad passed, I started getting signs that he was near.
I got up early at 4am one morning because I had to go to work. I got my coffee then I took out my kindle to read the devotional I had, it was written specifically for widows.
I turned on the kindle and the electronic slider wasn’t working, I kept on trying until finally, it worked. Then the carousel where all my books were, wouldn’t move. I kept trying to get to my devotional but it wouldn’t budge.
A thought came to me to try doing a search and find my book that way. In the “search” mode, when you hit a letter it darkens for a second, well, I started to spell out the title of my book when one by one a bunch of other letters were darkening as well, on their own!
I tried several more times, and the same thing kept happening. Random letters were being hit on their own. It was so strange! Deciding to try again later, I closed it up and brought it to work.
During my break, I turned it on and it worked perfectly, there was nothing wrong with it!
Brad had given me that kindle our first Christmas together. After that happened, strange things started happening with it.
I woke up one morning, ready to read my devotional again and I noticed there was a notification. I checked what it was and it said Netflix was successfully downloaded and the time posted was 11pm the night before. I had never downloaded Netflix on that kindle and there was nobody else in the house that night, my son spent the night at a friends house. It was all very strange.
I called Amazon to find out if it’s possible that Kindle could download Netflix on its own or if someone could remotely do it, but they said no, you have to physically download it.
Out of curiosity, I checked what was being watched on it and the most recent ones were sports shows, well, Brad was a sports fanatic!
Brad continually sends me signs, especially when I’m having an intensely sad moment.
One of the times I was decorating for Christmas and I was so sad because Brad wasn’t here. I started verbally talking to him like he was in the room. After a few minutes I sat down and looked at my phone and I saw I had a text message but I didn’t remember hearing a notification sound. I opened it up and it was a message from “Linda Wife”. First let me explain, after Brad passed I started using his phone by activating it under my phone number so our contact list merged. Brad had me listed as “Linda Wife”. This text message I received was from “Linda Wife” , like I was sending a message to me from my phone (I know it’s confusing).
When I had gotten this message I had recently switched to a new phone, so I was no longer using Brad’s phone, but I still had his contacts. My heart started pounding and I anxiously looked at the message. The message was a text from Verizon, a notification of some kind but it was dated September 2013! Brad passed August 2014, I received this December of 2015 and I was using a new phone.
I continued to receive this text several more times the next few months but it shows up only when I’m crying and having a hard time. I’ve shown this to several friends and they were amazed just as I was!
Grieving is always with you, it’s continual, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing.
About a year after Brad died, I was shopping at Old Navy. I started dating again at this time and I was feeling a bit guilty.
I started talking to Brad letting him know that he will always be in my heart, no matter what. Just then the shopping music in Old Navy became really loud and a Lou Rawls song came on, You’ll Never Find Another Love Like Mine. OMG, I felt so happy, there was no mistaking that Brad heard me and he was talking back through the song!
Other things were happening in the house as well, like a light would turn on on it’s own. Brad’s alarm clock would just start playing music or I would feel pressure applied on my hip or thigh while I lay in bed. None of this scared me, I was comforted.
Brad promised me before he passed, if he could send me a sign, he would. These signs were just the beginning and I knew I had to find out more of what was going on.
I needed to know more about what happens when someone dies, not just what I’ve been taught in church.
They taught us that when you die and you’re saved, you go to heaven but if you’re not, you go to hell. There’s no in-between and you didn’t see your loved ones again until you were reunited in heaven.
Brad had accepted Jesus into his heart a few months before he died and I had no doubt he would go to heaven but what was all this? I had to find out more.