How To Get Over ‘Hurts’ That Keep Resurfacing

AFTER HAVING TWO MARGARITAS AND WATCHING ‘THIS IS US’, OLD HURTS STARTED RESURFACING.   ‘HURTS’ THAT I CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT.  HOW CAN WE DEAL WITH ‘HURTS’ THAT KEEP RESURFACING?   HOW CAN WE ‘GET OVER IT’?

 

When I started a relationship with my late husband, Brad, a whole new world opened up for me.   He was born and raised here in Tucson, Arizona, and therefore, he grew up with a lot of people.  A different kind of breed of people, I wasn’t used to.   Rich people, business people, people who are well known, authors, big time chefs like, Bobby Flay, doctors, etc.  Many befriended me.  Mainly because shortly after I started dating him he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and because I love him so much, I married him.  I wanted to take care of him.  I have no regrets, absolutely none.  If you want to know our story CLICK HERE.

But after he died and over three years later, I have no contact with most of them.   My relationship with his family has ended.  He was best friends with a few people, and I’m only in touch with two of them.   Some abandoned me when I needed them the most.  Perhaps it was my fault.  I guess, I didn’t do grieving very well.  I do take some blame, as I was pretty messed up.

What I did discover is that, it’s common for Widows and Widowers to experience abandonment.   Mostly it’s because we do things that are unconventional.   A lot of us want to survive and get out of the pit of depression.  Most of us will do what we have to do to start living again.  And you know what? – Do whatever you have to do to move forward.  Make no apologies.  Click on the quote below to read one of my recent posts.

We Each Have Our Own Journey To Travel In This life, Make No Apologies - Blossoming WidowThose who truly love you, will stick by your side.   No matter what.  And, thank God, I have many people who truly love me.   The others, well…they only befriended me because I was Brad’s wife and, I took care of him in his greatest need.   It’s human nature.  And honestly, in the past, I would’ve done the same.   Others had misconceptions of me.  Like I planned the whole thing.  ‘Marry a man with cancer so I can get the insurance money’.   Little did they know that I cashed out three retirement accounts so he could continue his treatments that weren’t covered by insurance.

Or, maybe they blamed me that I influenced him to go the ‘Natural’ way to try to cure his cancer, instead of getting chemo and radiation to prolong his life.  That’s a huge possibility.

There are many things to consider when you get chemo and radiation to prolong your life.   Brad did not do well with Chemo and radiation the first go round.  He became very ill.  He didn’t want to do it again.   He did , later on, decide to do radiation again and it put him in such a state that he was dying.  But, the ‘Natural’ way didn’t work either.

We fought so hard and he was doing really great until the cancer went to his brain.   I do have one thing to say that brings me consolation, and that is, he did have good quality of life.  I’m so thankful for that.  With chemo and radiation, his last days would have been so much worse.

To be honest, I really don’t know what the answer is.

All I know is that, my heart still hurts with the abandonment.    It’s time I deal with it.  I keep telling myself that I don’t need them.  That I had a good life and people who love me, even before I met Brad.  I have a good life now!

I laugh now that I’m thinking about this, Brad’s mom always told me whenever I expressed how I feel, “This isn’t about you, Linda!”  I can hear that now!…LOL…But, when is it ever about me?

As of right now, I don’t have the answer.   I wish I did.  How do I get over this hurt?   This is me being vulnerable to you all.   I don’t have all the answers, believe me, I don’t.

If you have an answer or solution, please comment below.   How do you deal with ‘hurts’ that keep resurfacing?

 

2 Comments

  1. Reply

    Charlotte King

    March 18, 2018

    I deal with this every day at work. My fit husband died of a massive “widow maker” heart attack last year. I have worked with some of these people for more than 10 years, and yet only two showed for the receiving of friends. Worse, most never said a word to me about it and look the other way when they pass me down the hall. Men who have poured their heart out to me about divorce, children issues and other hurts in their lives, now look away. Is it so hard to say “I’m sorry” or “how are you?” Even the top brass who prays for all kinds of things before we eat, never mentioned me or what I was going through at a company lunch just two days after he died. And has yet to say anything to me about it. The other top manager made fun of one of the coworkers who was tearing up talking about it. Do I have unrealistic expectations that these people are human? It would seem so. With the help of my grief counselor, she pointed out that these people don’t really matter. If they were friends, they would have been there for me. If they were human, they would at least say something such as “I’m sorry for your loss”. However, she said you would be surprised at the number of people who should know what to say, but don’t. One of my friends sent me this: “Notice the people who are happy for your happiness, and sad for your sadness. They’re the ones who deserve special places in your heart”.
    If these people choose not to be a part of your life, they obviously didn’t see in you what Brad saw in you. And, you can also choose not to be a part of theirs–and move on to happy times despite what they think or say. You have had enough sadness; don’t let them add any more.

    • Reply

      Blossoming Widow

      March 18, 2018

      Thank you so much Charlotte. You warm my heart by sharing with me what hurts you and with your advise to me. I know in my case, even my sister didn’t reach out to me after Brad died but I know in my heart it’s just because she didn’t know what to say. So I reached out to her and we both cried on the phone.
      I’m wondering if you work primarily with men? I think they just didn’t know what to say but I would be hurt too. Your friend is right about the people who we need to keep in our lives. They are the ones who matter for sure.

LEAVE A COMMENT

RELATED POSTS